Friends

Sometimes friendships end.
Sometimes it's a welcome ending, long overdue.
Sometimes it's sudden, a shock, unexpected by one or both of the parties involved.

I've had some friendships for over 20 years. Some of my friends I’ve only had for a few years. Some friends have come in and out of my life and then surprised me that they were back in again.

The beginning of a new friendship is exciting, like a new romance. Since I have been in a monogamous relationship for 15 years, this honeymoon period of a friendship can be quite intoxicating. I get very excited as I discover all the things we have in common; similar parenting styles, favorite foods. I share myself openly, eager to share music, books, art, and I share my other friends. I feel like these new friendships remind me of who I am, and I remember that I have some great traits to bring into any relationship.

The more you move through life with your friend, the more opportunities come up where our core values reveal themselves. Sometimes they don’t match up. As the honeymoon period wanes, and reality sets in, the differences begin to add up. I find myself having my weekly coffee at the same place where we have been meeting for 9 months and my friend says "Oh! There’s my dream car!" and points to a "Hummer". My idea of a dream car is an electric vehicle that doesn’t take up more than my fair share of the road. Or I’m out at a bookstore and my friend finishes their coffee and sets the empty cup on the shelf, stating if the bookstore wanted them to put it in the trash they would have provided trashcans on every isle. I pick up most trash that crosses my path; I have thrown my back out many times picking up other people’s trash. I’m obsessive, and a clean freak, I hate seeing trash everywhere so I guess I am the litter morality police- I just am.

At first, it is easy to overlook these conflicts, because you have so many other things in common. I’ve just picked up the empty cup on the bookshelf and continued to enjoy the conversation I was having about the books on the shelf. But I always find myself biting my tongue more and more. Each time feeling like my new friend must think the stuff I bring to the table isn’t that great after all. I don’t want to suppress my core values to hang out with someone. I think it’s good that I don’t litter and that I pick up trash -so if my new friend doesn’t think it’s good, then they aren’t really appreciating that part of me. If they like to leave their trash lying around, then they either resent that part of me that picks up trash, or they are taking advantage of me by leaving their trash for me to pick up.

My worst fear is someday becoming a burden to my loved ones, and I’ve had friends who seem like they spend their days making sure they never have to take care of themselves. Eventually I become frustrated to see them working so hard to make sure they don't have to work. I try to keep my judgements to a minimum and to myself, but that's a pretty huge effort to make just to spend time with someone. People who say they don't pass judgement on other's are either willing to spend time with folks who have no moral compass, or they are lying to themselves. We are constantly judging our situation and acting on those choices. Accept it.

Often after biting my tongue for the purpose of maintaining these relationships, I find myself being yelled at for the smallest infraction that they feel I’ve inflicted upon them. I wonder then why I bit my tongue? An example would be- Why don’t I just say at the time "Hey- why don’t you pick up your own trash? MY world is not YOUR trashcan!" A lot of times, it seems the very things I bite my tongue about, I end up getting verbally thrashed about by others.

I have a friend who went for a walk with me once and after an hour, when we were hugging goodbye and parting ways she told me "you have said the "F" word 23 times during this walk. At first I was upset to think we had been having a reciprocal conversation and it ends up she was just counting. But then I was thankful that she was aware of something that bothered her, and she cherished our friendship enough to bring it up. She trusted our friendship enough to know we could move past that. I still say that word way too much, and I do my best to not offend her, and she knows I try and I am aware, but it’s also who I am and she accepts that about me too.

I’ve had friendships that ended in a breakup. A letter, a phone call, an argument. Those are easier for me, because in the end, we know where we stand. I am less comfortable with the friendships that just fade. I had a friend that met me for coffee every Monday for over a year, and then just stopped. I wondered what I did wrong, or why I wasn’t good enough. I asked and was never really answered. I still wish I would just know the real reason why ties were cut. . I do appreciate the people who take the time and courage to tell me how they feel. I’m the type of person who likes to pull the Band-Aid off quickly.

When a friendship starts to fade, and time together starts to wane, I end up missing the conversations about the books, even though I am so happy I’m not picking up trash left by a person who pines for a Hummer. I wonder all the time about friends who don’t call, or who don’t call enough, or who don’t return calls. I guess they have discovered things about me that they don’t jive with, and don’t want to do the "break up" but just want to "keep me on the back burner". As a control freak and sensitive person, and not knowing usually causes me much pain.

Some of my friendships I’ve let fade away- I’ve come to realize that they were a danger to my family or me. Some friendships came at a high price of drama and emotion that I just didn’t want to pay. I am waiting for some of my friends to put their life back together into a manageable state so that I can possibly be their friend again. Sometimes I just need time to ignore the things that were causing me frustration so that I can go back to enjoy the things we had in common. That takes time and sometimes during that time apart you miss your friend terribly, and other times, you find you don’t miss them that much.

I was a person who rarely ends a friendship. My very first blog entries were about how much I cherish my friends. I have since become a lot more selective about who I spend my time with. The people I trust and admire I can count on 2 hands. My life and health is in a precarious state, one that does not lend itself to having "spare time" for shallow or ambiguous friendships. To quote a dear friend’s lyrics- "I’ve made up my mind not to kill my time."

So why am I writing this? Well, there are people out there who I am pulling away from and they don’t want me to, and I just can’t help it right now. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to leave them feeling like I do about the people who are avoiding me. I know how that feels because there are people out there who I want so desperately to spend time with and I guess I want their acceptance and it hurts me that I don’t have it. I don’t like to stop by to say hello to someone and feel like they are feigning joy. I want these friendships back, but don't want it to be an effort for them to hang out with me.

I don’t think any of these situations are terminal. After all, like I’ve said, I’ve had deep, close friendships for several years, then didn’t talk to those people for a decade and then we were able to pick up right where we left off… almost.