New Toy

I like my new camera- it let's me take photos like this.


Seven things.

I have enjoyed thinking about this for the last few days. I imagine it will be absolutely impossible to write anything that may be a surprise to anyone because I am such an open book (people are always wishing I would stop revealing so much.. like "Close the book already!")so, let that be number one...

#1- I KNOW I talk too much and reveal too much about myself. I can't help it. (See item #2) I am always trying to find some sort of understanding in this world. (See "How I lost my virginity")

#2 Contrary to what Nancy said about my current hormonal state being like that of a teenager- I think I am just actually coming back into being myself again..I am a fairy. And, as J.M. Barrie explained so eloquently in my favorite story Peter Pan, a fairy is so small, they can only feel one emotion at a time. I have always felt this way. So, when I am saying things like "Gawd, People are such idiots!" I mean it completely, for that one second. I can feel nothing else but that feeling for that moment. And then in the next moment, I am filled with AGAPE or Gratitude for Nancy for teaching me about AGAPE.

#3 Okay, -It was me!. I was the secret flower giver! I love to surprise people and do my best to contact one of my friends every day and try to brighten their world. You may wake up one morning to find a chalk mural on your driveway. Perhaps that is why I have so many happy friends!

#4 I believe that the BEST place to raise your child (Male or Female) is in the skate park. More on that in the future......

#5 I refuse to wear uncomfortable shoes or underwear unless I am having my photo taken in them. I also hate clothes shopping, warehouse (Costco) shopping and most other things that people assume women love. Still, I am very much a girl. I also agree with Marilyn Monroe when she said "I don't care if it's a man's world- as long as I get to be a woman in it.

#6 I watch Malcolm in the Middle because I envy the parents love for each other. I know I should have better role models for happily married couples, but I don't. At least I don't aspire to be like the folks on Married With Children. I am married to my absolute soulmate and we feel lucky for every day we are together.

#7 I wonder where "stars" like Britney Spears or Brad Pitt throw away their undergarments when the elastic wears out? What about their toothbrushes? Is there a Hollywood landfill with armed guards just for the famous?

Okay, now I have to tag some people, but I don't know any "Bloggers" except my dear friend KiKi.....who makes me feel like I have a backstage pass every time I read her writing. Also, Miss Bubbles, who I would love to read more from. If I make more friends out here in cyber space who somehow think I am "self indulgent in a good way" I will add them to this list.

Thank You Nancy the Great for the fun.*

* and just so you know, the stuff about the Doc Martin shoes and the Dying of the cats is comming soon to a webpage near you.

Mud Pie Engineer

I was a mud pie engineer when I was very young. We lived in a home that had a huge yard with very little grass. My Mom let me take the hose down to the far corner of the yard and play in the mud all day.

We had a white dog named Laika and he played in the mud with me too. How lucky was I that my Mom cared more about my ability to amuse myself than the cleanliness of the carpet. How lucky was I that we were kind of poor (compared to our neighbors) so we didn't have the nice things in our house to worry about messing up. I had friends from the neighborhood who would come and mud with me. Their Mom's wouldn't let them do that at homeI have to remember to encourage my son to be more dirty ! Perhaps he can get his master's in Mud Pie Engineering.

Wild at ART

This is Kellie creating her painting called "Michael Jackson's dream before plastic surgery"

I have wanted to paint for 2 weeks, and every day I would tell myself "after the laundry" or "as soon as I get the kitchen floor scrubbed I will paint". I am not an amazing painter- I wouldn't even call myself a painter. I just like the way paint feels. I like to blend colors, I like to use different brush textures. I like to play with the airbrush. Before my son was born I painted EVERY day. The walls, the bricks, the furniture. I even painted many of my friends and then photographed them.

Finally today my friend Kellie was demanding I keep my promise I made to her to go skating, I wanted to stay home and paint but off to skate at the beach. (I know, I have it so easy) When I met her at the beach, she said she didn't have her skates and I was so HAPPY and YIPPEE because I told her then- We have to go buy canvases and Paint. Yippee! Kellie painted with her top off, I'm sure the neighbors loved that, but it was hot and she didn't have painting clothes on. We listened to Ween for inspiration. When Kellie's painting was born she named it "Michael Jackson's dream before plastic surgery". When my painting was born, I named it "Kellie Collier's eyebrows". I had fun today and I need to remember that I may not be a painter and I don't really like how it came out, but I am much happier now because I spent 2 hours playing with the airbrush and getting dirty!


Just in case there may be one other person out there who might benefit from my words...I have decided to answer my friend's questions about not smoking here-

Here are some thoughts that helped me quit smoking:
I was not giving up smoking- I was given the blessing of not smoking. This simple mind set makes all the difference- I no longer thought in terms of "What will I do at my party when everyone around me is smoking?" Instead I thought of how great it will be to have my friends around me and not have the desire to smoke. NO MORE FIRE TIPPED WANDS TO KEEP PEOPLE AT A DISTANCE.

The ritual around smoking was good- it was just the putting poison in my body that was bad. The only time I ever took for myself was the 5 minute breaks I took to smoke. Other than that I was working. So, I vowed to continue the ritual without the poison. I would take a time out in the yard without smoking. Then the way I took small breaks started to change- I would read a trashy magazine. I would water the flowers. I would hold my son in my arms. I would make out with my husband. Ah- the lovely things you can do in 5 minutes that make life so wonderful!

I love not smoking and not smoking is fun.....
Not smoking is FUN because I can kiss and cuddle my son any time and I know he is feeling the LOVE and not associating that love with the smell of cigarettes. I touch his face with the hands that used to smell. I no longer feel stinky when I do this.
Not smoking is FUN because I don't have to leave the house every hour to go outside and hurt myself. After you quit, you will begin to smell the trail of stench that follows people as they come in from smoking outside.

Life is easier and calmer- you begin to notice all the ways cigarettes used to control you-
I can sit through a movie without anxiety. I don't rush out of the theatre to smoke.
I can have a conversation with someone and not try to lure them outside so I can smoke.
I can be sick at home in bed and not leave the bed.

I feel better about myself. On my day's off of work, I used to stay home all afternoon and smoke, so I could shower right before going into my son's class to read- so I wouldn't smell like cigarettes. Now, I shower and get dressed and smell like all the yummy stuff I used to buy to conceal the smoke smell. I don't have to hide in a corner and smoke- ever! I am a good example for my son and all the other people around me.

A week or so before I quit smoking, I had a dream that I was laying on my death bed and my son was crying. I was dying from smoking and he was asking me " Mommy, why did you love cigarettes more than me?" "Why do you have to go before my children are born?" Now he knows I quit because I love him more than anything.

The day I quit- I visualized my son sitting on a bench in a park. I came up to him and knelt down to eye level and told him- "I promise you I will never smoke again". That was a pretty big thing to think about. It is easier to break promises to ourselves. Imagine a promise to a loved one.

Have a mantra
The day after I quit smoking, I got fired. I wanted so badly to drive to the same gas station where I always got my cigarettes, get a pack and smoke while I cried, blaming it all on my boss. Instead I repeated my magical mantra- "I am now a non-smoker. I will be a non-smoker for the rest of my life." During times when I could barely mutter the words, at my weakest moments, I would repeat that again and again and again. 10 times- 50 times. Whatever it took. I said it before I went to bed at night, and I said it before I got out of bed in the morning. When I got through that first day after being fired, I knew what I was repeating was actually true. You don't have to believe it at first, you just have to act like you do.

Okay- if you are "Cutting down" then just stop- or set a date and DO IT. It is not okay to put 2 cigarettes in, anymore than it is okay to put 20. You have to give yourself the gift of being FREE! Take my mantra right now and use it. And don't light another cigarette.

Here are some things you can do with your "free" time, now that you aren't smoking..
Wake your husband up in a surprisingly passionate way.

Climb in bed with one of your children and kiss their little faces.
Call a friend
Go on line and look at the effects of cigarettes on our bodies.
Do crunches- They will keep your back strong and now that you are going to live longer, you need to think about that stuff.
Eat baby carrots
Chew on pens

Chew gum
Sugar free Popsicles
Finally put all those photos in albums
Write a blog in the morning
Talk to your boss, or your child's teacher and not feel inferior because of smoking.

This list can go on forever. I hope others contribute