Happy Holidays

At first I was upset that Christmas was on it's way because I had no money to buy presents and I felt a huge sense of obligation to go into debt which I HATE at Christmas time. Then Duke took me out for a day of (reasonably inexpensive) Christmas shopping followed by a day of Christmas photos on the beach. We even made a sand snowman!
Hot Golly! Now I'm in the Christmas mood. Thanks to Duke for restoring my faith in Christmas and Thanks to my friends that supported me during my 3 day X-mas funk.

And Just in case anyone is interested in reading my Christmas poem, here it is


I do want to spend the remaining part of December just hanging out with the people I love. I don't want to spend it in malls, or anywhere my bank card is accepted. Friends- Lets hang out and FROLIC!

New Toy

I like my new camera- it let's me take photos like this.


Seven things.

I have enjoyed thinking about this for the last few days. I imagine it will be absolutely impossible to write anything that may be a surprise to anyone because I am such an open book (people are always wishing I would stop revealing so much.. like "Close the book already!")so, let that be number one...

#1- I KNOW I talk too much and reveal too much about myself. I can't help it. (See item #2) I am always trying to find some sort of understanding in this world. (See "How I lost my virginity")

#2 Contrary to what Nancy said about my current hormonal state being like that of a teenager- I think I am just actually coming back into being myself again..I am a fairy. And, as J.M. Barrie explained so eloquently in my favorite story Peter Pan, a fairy is so small, they can only feel one emotion at a time. I have always felt this way. So, when I am saying things like "Gawd, People are such idiots!" I mean it completely, for that one second. I can feel nothing else but that feeling for that moment. And then in the next moment, I am filled with AGAPE or Gratitude for Nancy for teaching me about AGAPE.

#3 Okay, -It was me!. I was the secret flower giver! I love to surprise people and do my best to contact one of my friends every day and try to brighten their world. You may wake up one morning to find a chalk mural on your driveway. Perhaps that is why I have so many happy friends!

#4 I believe that the BEST place to raise your child (Male or Female) is in the skate park. More on that in the future......

#5 I refuse to wear uncomfortable shoes or underwear unless I am having my photo taken in them. I also hate clothes shopping, warehouse (Costco) shopping and most other things that people assume women love. Still, I am very much a girl. I also agree with Marilyn Monroe when she said "I don't care if it's a man's world- as long as I get to be a woman in it.

#6 I watch Malcolm in the Middle because I envy the parents love for each other. I know I should have better role models for happily married couples, but I don't. At least I don't aspire to be like the folks on Married With Children. I am married to my absolute soulmate and we feel lucky for every day we are together.

#7 I wonder where "stars" like Britney Spears or Brad Pitt throw away their undergarments when the elastic wears out? What about their toothbrushes? Is there a Hollywood landfill with armed guards just for the famous?

Okay, now I have to tag some people, but I don't know any "Bloggers" except my dear friend KiKi.....who makes me feel like I have a backstage pass every time I read her writing. Also, Miss Bubbles, who I would love to read more from. If I make more friends out here in cyber space who somehow think I am "self indulgent in a good way" I will add them to this list.

Thank You Nancy the Great for the fun.*

* and just so you know, the stuff about the Doc Martin shoes and the Dying of the cats is comming soon to a webpage near you.

Mud Pie Engineer

I was a mud pie engineer when I was very young. We lived in a home that had a huge yard with very little grass. My Mom let me take the hose down to the far corner of the yard and play in the mud all day.

We had a white dog named Laika and he played in the mud with me too. How lucky was I that my Mom cared more about my ability to amuse myself than the cleanliness of the carpet. How lucky was I that we were kind of poor (compared to our neighbors) so we didn't have the nice things in our house to worry about messing up. I had friends from the neighborhood who would come and mud with me. Their Mom's wouldn't let them do that at homeI have to remember to encourage my son to be more dirty ! Perhaps he can get his master's in Mud Pie Engineering.

Wild at ART

This is Kellie creating her painting called "Michael Jackson's dream before plastic surgery"

I have wanted to paint for 2 weeks, and every day I would tell myself "after the laundry" or "as soon as I get the kitchen floor scrubbed I will paint". I am not an amazing painter- I wouldn't even call myself a painter. I just like the way paint feels. I like to blend colors, I like to use different brush textures. I like to play with the airbrush. Before my son was born I painted EVERY day. The walls, the bricks, the furniture. I even painted many of my friends and then photographed them.

Finally today my friend Kellie was demanding I keep my promise I made to her to go skating, I wanted to stay home and paint but off to skate at the beach. (I know, I have it so easy) When I met her at the beach, she said she didn't have her skates and I was so HAPPY and YIPPEE because I told her then- We have to go buy canvases and Paint. Yippee! Kellie painted with her top off, I'm sure the neighbors loved that, but it was hot and she didn't have painting clothes on. We listened to Ween for inspiration. When Kellie's painting was born she named it "Michael Jackson's dream before plastic surgery". When my painting was born, I named it "Kellie Collier's eyebrows". I had fun today and I need to remember that I may not be a painter and I don't really like how it came out, but I am much happier now because I spent 2 hours playing with the airbrush and getting dirty!


Just in case there may be one other person out there who might benefit from my words...I have decided to answer my friend's questions about not smoking here-

Here are some thoughts that helped me quit smoking:
I was not giving up smoking- I was given the blessing of not smoking. This simple mind set makes all the difference- I no longer thought in terms of "What will I do at my party when everyone around me is smoking?" Instead I thought of how great it will be to have my friends around me and not have the desire to smoke. NO MORE FIRE TIPPED WANDS TO KEEP PEOPLE AT A DISTANCE.

The ritual around smoking was good- it was just the putting poison in my body that was bad. The only time I ever took for myself was the 5 minute breaks I took to smoke. Other than that I was working. So, I vowed to continue the ritual without the poison. I would take a time out in the yard without smoking. Then the way I took small breaks started to change- I would read a trashy magazine. I would water the flowers. I would hold my son in my arms. I would make out with my husband. Ah- the lovely things you can do in 5 minutes that make life so wonderful!

I love not smoking and not smoking is fun.....
Not smoking is FUN because I can kiss and cuddle my son any time and I know he is feeling the LOVE and not associating that love with the smell of cigarettes. I touch his face with the hands that used to smell. I no longer feel stinky when I do this.
Not smoking is FUN because I don't have to leave the house every hour to go outside and hurt myself. After you quit, you will begin to smell the trail of stench that follows people as they come in from smoking outside.

Life is easier and calmer- you begin to notice all the ways cigarettes used to control you-
I can sit through a movie without anxiety. I don't rush out of the theatre to smoke.
I can have a conversation with someone and not try to lure them outside so I can smoke.
I can be sick at home in bed and not leave the bed.

I feel better about myself. On my day's off of work, I used to stay home all afternoon and smoke, so I could shower right before going into my son's class to read- so I wouldn't smell like cigarettes. Now, I shower and get dressed and smell like all the yummy stuff I used to buy to conceal the smoke smell. I don't have to hide in a corner and smoke- ever! I am a good example for my son and all the other people around me.

A week or so before I quit smoking, I had a dream that I was laying on my death bed and my son was crying. I was dying from smoking and he was asking me " Mommy, why did you love cigarettes more than me?" "Why do you have to go before my children are born?" Now he knows I quit because I love him more than anything.

The day I quit- I visualized my son sitting on a bench in a park. I came up to him and knelt down to eye level and told him- "I promise you I will never smoke again". That was a pretty big thing to think about. It is easier to break promises to ourselves. Imagine a promise to a loved one.

Have a mantra
The day after I quit smoking, I got fired. I wanted so badly to drive to the same gas station where I always got my cigarettes, get a pack and smoke while I cried, blaming it all on my boss. Instead I repeated my magical mantra- "I am now a non-smoker. I will be a non-smoker for the rest of my life." During times when I could barely mutter the words, at my weakest moments, I would repeat that again and again and again. 10 times- 50 times. Whatever it took. I said it before I went to bed at night, and I said it before I got out of bed in the morning. When I got through that first day after being fired, I knew what I was repeating was actually true. You don't have to believe it at first, you just have to act like you do.

Okay- if you are "Cutting down" then just stop- or set a date and DO IT. It is not okay to put 2 cigarettes in, anymore than it is okay to put 20. You have to give yourself the gift of being FREE! Take my mantra right now and use it. And don't light another cigarette.

Here are some things you can do with your "free" time, now that you aren't smoking..
Wake your husband up in a surprisingly passionate way.

Climb in bed with one of your children and kiss their little faces.
Call a friend
Go on line and look at the effects of cigarettes on our bodies.
Do crunches- They will keep your back strong and now that you are going to live longer, you need to think about that stuff.
Eat baby carrots
Chew on pens

Chew gum
Sugar free Popsicles
Finally put all those photos in albums
Write a blog in the morning
Talk to your boss, or your child's teacher and not feel inferior because of smoking.

This list can go on forever. I hope others contribute

Mom's gone wild

My friend Angie is in love with Dave Wakeling, and My friends Rodge and Danielle, who own Re-Style know him, so I thought we should all get together at a Dave Wakeling show and make all Angie's dreams come true.
Duke and I got to the Malibu Inn at 8:30- too early to be at a show, but too late to be at home for fear of falling to sleep. When did I get so old anyway? Even though our tickets said 8:00- they wouldn't let us in to the club so Duke and I went next store to Jack in the Box to get some coffee.
The gum is for after the coffee. The sponge is because Duke promised Angie he would bring one for her to use to sop up any manic fan moisture she may develop during the introduction to her dream-man.
After coffee, we went for a walk to listen to the waves. Duke kept wanting to join the sea level club in the parking lot- but I knew that was a bad idea and no sooner than I had my skirt raised for Duke to take a photo-(I'll save myself the embarrassment of uploading that) the police drove by. Just like the old days- using a brush with the law to get the adrenaline pumping. It was time for a drink-

Soon, our friends arrived and then the opening band showed up on stage. They were called The Hairbrain Scheme. Their music wasn't all that interesting to me, but I did enjoy the stage show.

The guy in the pink suit was (of course) my favorite. He jumped off the stage many times, and once I got down "buffoon dancing" with him. If you don't know what "buffoon dancing" is well, perhaps in the future I will learn how to upload video and share this wonderful phenomenon with the world. Rick calls it "creeping" as in, "Why do you dance like that?" "Because I'm a CREEP!"
For now, just know that the object of buffoon dancing is to dance as oddly as possible, yet try to look like you're serious. Creative interpretive dance, my dancing was in fact a hairbrain scheme. Just like wearing these costumes without the benefit of a stage sock.After the first band, it was quiet enough to properly introduce Danielle to Angie, and then go back stage to introduce Angie to Dave.
I have never met Dave Wakeling before, and the last time I saw the English Beat was when I was about 15. I must say he is a very kind guy who you feel friendly towards immediately. He was kind enough to sign Angie's English Beat Shirt (He wrote- "Just this and heels") which made her need that sponge Duke had me bring.

Then he posed for 2 photos- he looked funny in one and Angie looked funny in the other, so he said- let's take another, now that we had practice-
Angie is so happy. I did notice that Dave actually looks like Angie's husband Rob. I suppose that makes Dave her "type" or she is acting out a weird fantasy by marring Rob. Kind of like if Duke looked like Uma- I would have the best of both worlds.
I like Dave's guitar that looks like a giant sperm. I like that now that I've met him, I will refer to him on a first name basis, as if we have been friends forever. Towards the end of the show, Dave announced that he likes to collect money for Smile Train. For only 250.00 they can repair cleft lips & cleft palates
I was glad that he collected money for a good cause- but being that I am the most selfish person I know, I couldn't help but wish he was taking a collection for ME- who here in aMErica had to spend $150.00 just to get antibiotics for my son.... and I have medical insurance!

Dave did say he loved being on stage with people throwing money at him, and I wondered if he was going to rip off his pants and start gyrating on stage- Angie would have passed out on the spot.

We danced and danced and had tons of fun, except this one guy kept pushing into us and invading our space. I realise that when you are at a show and everyone is crowded to the front, there is limited "personal space" but even slam pits/ mosh pits/ dance pits have their rules of etiquette and he was in violation! He turned it into more of a grope pit.
We continued to dance in spite of his need to do this squatting wiggle very near our bums. At one point the husbands started to think that they would have to escort him away from the wives. Then he turned around and started dancing with Rob in the same manner he had danced with the women! Rob was pretty bummed about that and left the dance floor. I told the guy to get the hell away from us and Danielle demanded that I not get in a fight. Okay, who am I to start a fist fight with a guy while Dave is taking money for charity and singing about opening the doors of your heart and all that.
Eventually girls started to get up on stage and dance. I knew Angie needed to be up there to have her photo taken but she was just being too shy... (Not enough rum I suspect). I asked Danielle if she would get up with her and Danielle was a bit shy too, so... that left me to drag them up. Okay, The old women take over the stage, and the benefit was not only having Angie's photo taken, but we no longer had to be fondled by cap guy.

We look pretty good up there, if I do say so myself.....

Angie was all smiles as she held her sponge...Then she had a dance with her husband Rob who definitely seemed to enjoy that more than dancing with cap guy.

A good time was had by all and I recommend going to see bands at the Malibu Inn and seeing Dave whenever you can.

The big picture

My fingers won't let me type much today, think I already maxed out typing to a friend I saw for the first time in probably 13 years.... so, I will put up a picture/drawing that I like.

What makes a K.P.Ness?

I have lots of friends. I collect them. I have an amazing collection of friends. My collection is the best in the South Bay- possibly the best in the State! Every year I have a birthday party and every year it gets bigger. I let only the best come in but no one gets out. Becoming my friend is like joining the mafia- you can't un-do it. Like a gang-very few get out without dying.
My friend Nancy the Great made me this shirt for my birthday one year. (Yes, those are fake apples on my vines)
Even though I don't remember telling Nancy that I was a fairy, she knew. Nancy is a friend that I admire deeply. She is so smart and witty and worldly- Sometimes when Duke and I are not sure what to do in a situation, we ask ourselves -W.W.N.D.? - you know, What Would Nancy Do? Nancy always makes me feel loved.
So, recently what Nancy would do is write a blog- and I wanted to read her blog, and she let me! Then I wanted to comment on her blog and I couldn't without starting my own blog.... so I did- that's what Nancy would do. But I'm not sure what to write about. I write about my friends and how they changed my life, how they saved my life, how they give me life. I don't know if that's the same thing as writing about my life.I like this photo of me-my super cool friend KXF took this shot and I think she may have known that it told a story of me, to me. This shot is cool not only because the sun is shining through my hair real nice but because I am wearing a loud print moo moo with thermal underwear underneath and wings on top and my face is darkened and scarred from "the mask of pregnancy" but I am smiling so big because I had just come out of the darkest period of my life- like a cocoon and the sun was finally shining on me and my wings had been spread and I was about to soar.
All hail the friends of Miss K.P.-Ness! My friends, I'm convinced, are what make me me.

How I lost my virginity

In my darkest hour- this is the letter that saved my life again and again. I had it pinned to my wall to I could read it daily- sometimes hourly so I could remember there is someone out there who understood me. The letter was written in pink ink- and today I had to use a magnifying glass to read the words because they were fading away. I needed to save it. This letter has always explained who I am- or who I was untill the happiness finally de-virginized me.

Dearest K.P.- Goddess of goodness
My beautiful friend, you are a flower- not a rose, or a sunflower or even a mum. You are a special kind of flower which blooms again and again- each time, a different color and a slightly different shape. K.P.- you are a virgin- you’re probably wondering what the hell I’m talking about. Well, I’m not sure. But something tells me there’s a whole lot of wonderfulness making it’s way slowly towards you. It’s taking it’s sweet time. It’s got a long and rocky road to travel and it’s had to make a few stops along the way but it’s got a specific destination- a final destination. It knows how to find you and it will find you for that’s it’s sole purpose. So, K.P. my beautiful virgin friend, don’t look for it because it wants to surprise you, and it’s kind of shy. But remember when you are sad that tomorrow may be the day. And when you go to bed at night, call out to it to help it along it’s way.
You’ve been de-virginized by everything but happiness, K.P.- so what better thing could have been saved for last but that?
You know what’s wrong with you and me? Human contact, communication, bonding and understanding is something which we crave. We can never get enough. When I think about it I wonder why this is. But I think I know. We are too big for our bodies. There is not enough flesh on our bodies to really feel touched when we’re touched. There is not enough oxygen to fill our spirit-lungs. When someone tells us they love us, we know that they really love the part of us that they know and that’s not enough. But we know that they can never know all of us and that makes me feel lonely. And I’m an all or nothing kind of spirit-body. If they don’t love all of me then I won’t let anyone love any of me- cuz it’s not enough.

I was big and strong

I don't know what to say about this except at some point in my life I had to convince myself I was strong enough to survive- turns out I was.


New year's day I got up at 4:30 a.m. and drove with my friend Kellie to San Pedro to take photos of her nude in a metal full pipe. My mother in law asked me why... I didn't have an answer. I don't have an answer about why she would ask me why. Why not? There is a rusty metal full pipe with the sun coming through it at sunrise- Kellie has a tall beautiful body and is willing to freeze her butt off so I can shoot her. If I had long, lean legs I would want someone to shoot me like that. That's why. Because I can, that's why.

Trying to build a foundation

I am trying to learn how to have a "normal" family life. My body keeps getting in my way. The whole thing reminds me of a quote by Marilyn Monroe-
"My work is the only ground I have to stand on.
I seem to have a whole superstructure with no foundation.
But I am working on the foundation."

I will do my best to write my thoughts without making them sound like complaints. This will be easier when I regain the ability to use my right hand without pain.

Pain in inevitable, suffering is optional.