May 6 2009 -

This time last year I was chalk tagging Nancy's house. I still managed to tag Doreen's for her birthday, but I didn't even take a photo.

17 years ago today my Mom died. Her death was sudden and I was left alone to take care of everything- from identifying her body to planning the funeral.

I found out 2 nights ago that my friend commit suicide. He left behind 2 young boys and his high school sweetheart. I've been his friend since we were in my very early 20's- I first remember watching him skate down my hill when I was 11 or 12. We first spoke when I was that age- he had the first backyard ramp I ever attempted to skate at that age.

I was angry about his death for a while and then finally sad and now just really missing my Mom on the anniversary of her death. I feel like I am walking through quicksand today. My body is heavy. My heart is heavy. My life is heavy. Duke stayed with me today and for that I am grateful. But- he can't be my Mom.

I need so badly to have a Mom figure in my life. My Mom did not lie, or gossip or manipulate. She did not diet or discuss her weight. She was an amazing cook and seamstress and business woman. She did not take any crap, but she could take honesty. She dealt with everyone on a professional, considerate, human level. I do not have any grown women in my life like that. I feel a huge deficit in my life right now.

I am 41 years old and the thought going through my mind and heart today is I WANT MY MOMMY.